Womanly problems
by Defafaeth Mechqua
Summary: Miroku groaned. “You see well . . . from now on, when a human man sees me they will instantly want to grope me. Halfling men will fall in love with me. Full demons will . . . want to screw me . . .” [Title changed]
1. Help me!

'I wonder where the girls are?' Miroku thought as he wandered around the woods. 'They've got to be around here somewhere . . . . They said they were going to the hot springs.' He looked around then heard the giggling of women from the other side of a boulder. "Ah ha! So there they are!" Miroku muttered. He climbed a rock boulder grinning. He really just wanted to see Sango, but Kagome was an added bonus! He got to the top and peered down to get the shock of his life.

Instead of Sango and Kagome there were two unearthly beautiful women. One had shimmering blue-green hair with starfish, seaweed and shells interwoven into her hair, aquamarine eyes and flawless white skin. The other had fiery red hair, blood red eyes and golden skin. Miroku still thought Sango was a lot more beautiful than either of them.

"So then I said to the tengu, 'I'm a woman impersonator!'" The red head said. The women giggled.

Their chime like giggles enchanted Miroku (though he still thought Sango had a more chime tinkley voice – though a bit out of tune . . . still tinkley!). Unfortunately his staff slipped out of his hand and fell into the water between the two women. 'Shit.' Miroku thought sweat dropping.

The two women naturally looked up, and the look on the anger on their faces wasn't even earthly. "A human!" They growled in unison. Miroku tried to move, but found her couldn't some invisible force was keeping him there.

"A dirty no good human was watching us!" The girl with blue hair growled. The two women suddenly jumped up and came face to face with the perverted perpetrator (they were now fully clothed – don't worry). They glared at him. "Do you know who we are?" The woman with blue hair growled.

"Of course he doesn't." The red head said all the while glaring at the monk. "I suppose we shall have to tell him who we are."

Miroku gulped, this was NOT good. To top things off his tongue wasn't working so he couldn't even talk to defend himself.

"We are two of the six elemental sisters. Hi of Fire and Mizu of Water." They said in unison.

"What shall we do to him as punishment?" Hi wondered.

Mizu scowled, "I peered into his mind. He thinks that some human MORTAL is more beautiful than either one of us!" She scoffed.

Hi laughed, "You jest!"

The water elemental laughed, "Unfortunately not! And get this, the woman is a . . . . demon exterminator!!" She and her sister doubled over in laughter.

Miroku clenched his teeth, "SANGO IS MORE BEAUTIFUL, KINDER, CLEVERER, STRONGER AND GORGEOUS THAN YOU TWO COMBINED!!!!!" He yelled out.

The two elementals stopped laughing and just glared at the monk. "How DARE YOU!?" Mizu roared.

"Calm down sister. So he loves this Sango woman, he is a perverted monk, he travels with a hanyou AND he's after Naraku. Sister I have an idea." Hi grinned then quickly whispered something into her sister's ear while Mizu smirked. When they were done conferring with each other, the two sisters grinned evilly at the monk.

"I wonder where Miroku is." Kagome thought aloud as she, Sango and Shippo sat by the fire. "It's strange how he didn't try to follow us to the hot springs."

"Inu Yasha stopped him then tied him up to a tree somewhere in the forest." Shippo piped up cheerfully munching on his chocolate bar. "That's why he left as soon as you two came back, he went to untie him, but I wonder what's taking him so long."

Sango hmphed, "Knowing the monk he probably untied himself somehow." She said polishing her gigantic boomerang. "Right now he's either looking for us or he's trying to find his way back. Though I rather – "

Some bushes rustled and a voice hissed at them, "Pssst!"

Sango jumped to her feet with her boomerang ready to throw, "Who's there?! Show yourself!" she yelled. Kagome got to her feet with her bows and arrows notched and ready.

"Is Inu Yasha there?" A feminine voice whispered.

"How do you know Inu Yasha? And why do you want to know?" Sango asked suspiciously.

"It's me . . . . Miroku!" The same feminine voice hissed.

Kagome scoffed, "Yeah right! Do you take us for complete idiots? Miroku is a man!"

"Not anymore. Is Inu Yasha there? Please tell me he isn't there! I'll tell you everything you need to know!"

"Fine. Inu Yasha isn't here. He went looking for the real Miroku." Sango said stiffly. "Though in my opinion he should just be left tied to the tree." She muttered to herself.

The woman entered the clearing wearing Miroku's clothing and holding Miroku's staff, looking a lot like Miroku himself. The woman had straight flowing midnight black hair that fell to her knees, a soft lightly tanned face, black eyes and had a slender figure hidden by her monk's robes.

"Why do you have Miroku's clothing?!" Shippo asked warily.

"Because I AM Miroku!" she said exasperated, "Look what'll get you to make you realise I am Miroku? A question! Ask me something only the REAL Miroku knows!" she pleaded.

The trio thought for a moment, then Kagome brightened up, "I know! Only the real Miroku knows this one! How many times has Miroku groped Sango since she joined up with us?" She asked slyly.

Sango sweat dropped, "What?! You've been counting!?" The Taijiya demanded.

"Five hundred ninety nine times." The woman said.

Kagome relaxed and put her arrow away. "She's Miroku all right. What happened to you?"

"Wait! I will NOT be ignored!" Sango growled. She was ignored.

Kagome put her arm around Miroku gone woman and sat him . . .err . . . her . . . err . . . him/her by the fire. "Come on. Tell us what happened."

"Well . . . you see . . . "

_** After a few minutes **_

". . . Then they turned me into a woman and placed a curse on me which can only be broken by the kiss of my one true love." Miroku said looking at the fire glumly.

"As if anyone would want to kiss you." Sango scoffed impatiently.

Kagome glared at the demon exterminator, "Sango! Be nice, what if you got turned a man?!"

"If I were a man I'd be happy. Miroku wouldn't grope me no more." She said stiffly.

Miroku sank down deeper in his . . . her . . . his/her depression. How could Sango think so badly about him/her? But then again he/she couldn't blame her; she had solid ground to stand on her detestation of him/her after all. Still it did sting – badly.

"Wait a second." Shippo said, he climbed up onto the (former?) monk's shoulder. "You said that the elementals turned you into a woman THEN placed a curse on you. What was the curse?" he asked expectantly.

Miroku groaned. "You see well . . . from now on, when a human man sees me they will instantly want to grope me. Halfling men will fall in love with me. Full demons will . . . want to screw me . . ." he/she trailed off and crossed his/her arms angrily.

Kagome, Sango and Shippo burst out laughing. "Omigosh! That is the most ironic curse that could ever be put on you!!!" Sango burst out.

"Yeah! Ah ha ha ha! Oh I just can't wait till Inu Yasha comes back!!" Kagome guffawed.

"And Myoga!" Shippo gasped through laughs.

Miroku jumped to her (Miroku will now be referred to as she until she gets turned back into a he – which might be never.) feet. "This is NOT a laughing matter! What if Inu Yasha comes back?! Then what'll I do?!?!" she shouted.

"Oi who's she?" Inu Yasha's voice drifted from behind.

Miroku's eyes widened, she hoped, sincerely hoped that Inu Yasha would just stay behind her.

The three hastily got up to their feet and stepped between the hanyou and man-gone-woman. Kagome put a hand behind her head. "Oh well . . . . uh . . . . she's Sango's . . . . cousin." She said stepping on the Taijiya's foot.

"Oh yeah, yeah! She's my cousin . . . and she's . . . her . . . she's on her way to see her husband!" Sango said hurriedly. The three nodded with smiles on their faces.

Inu Yasha lifted an eyebrow, before jumping up and landing in front of the (former?) monk. He looked at her then fell to knees, love filling his voice as he said. "Your face is as beautiful and lovely as the moon surrounded by twinkling stars at its height. Your heavenly hair," he said taking a strand between his claws then breathed deeply in the smell, "silkier than the silkiest silk, blacker than the blackest winter night. O fair o lovely there hath not be any as beauteous as thee. O sweet divine of my bleak heart, marry me?" he said lovingly taking Miroku's hands and placing them to his heart.

The three other companions gaped. Shippo stuttered, "Did . . . Is . . . Poetry . . . Rhymed . . . Marriage . . . oh boy."

Miroku froze. _{Of all the people in this world . . . Inu Yasha had to ask me.} s_he thought depressed. "Um . . . uh . . . err . . . its. . . too sudden . . .I can't . . . ."

"No no no." Inu Yasha said dazed, "My heart beats for thee, we wed not now, but later when thy heart has accepted mine. And when thee have accepted my humble offer, I will only know heavenly bliss of the divine. But for now my sweet sweet joy and sorrow – we part paths until the morrow." He whispered then he . . . kissed Miroku. It was long kiss that probably involved tongue. Then the hanyou was gone.

The man-gone-woman just stood there frozen with the exception of the twitching eye. "I got kissed by Inu Yasha." She said slowly, and then crumpled to the ground in a dead faint.


	2. My woes!

****

Most frequently asked question: Why isn't Shippo affected by the curse?

__

The reason is explained in this chapter. 

^^ Thanks for the reviews. 

______________________________________________________

"Miroku wake up! Miroku!"

I groaned opening my eyes. It was morning I must've fainted to sleep. A million shifty silhouettes of what appeared to be Kagome, Sango and Shippo were leaning over me. "Am I a man?" I asked groggily.

Sango rolled her eyes; "Of course n-" Kagome elbowed her hard in the ribs, I didn't really notice that until a few minutes later neither did I detect the nervousness in her laugher.

"You're as manly as you want to be." Kagome said pleasantly.

I sat up with a smile gracing my luscious lips (Luscious?). That is until I felt a strange weight on my chest – as if something was hanging from that extremity. Odd, I didn't have any piercing on my nipples (Well. Actually I did used to have some, keyword there is _'used to'_, but it hurt ten times as worse than when I got poisoned by Naraku's bees! Don't ever get any because they will hurt like hell. Trust me!). Then realization hits me like a fifty-ton demon. I have woman boobs. Shit. The curse lives! 

"You could've just told me straight out." I grumbled.

"Miroku I have an important question." My fair Lady Sango said sitting back on her legs. "The curse states that any full blooded demon whom upon seeing you would instantly want to _'get jiggy'_ as Kagome puts it. Right?"

I sighed sadly and sat crossed legged. She just had to remind of that damned curse! First the wind tunnel now a woman! (Why isn't my perverted mind being perverted anyway? I mean now that I have a woman's body I could . . . . . ahem uh back to my response). "Just like I said last night." I replied wearily.

"Then how come Shippo . . . . . well . . . he's not effected. He hasn't tried to make any advances at all when he saw you." The exterminator stated.

"Hey that's right!" Shippo exclaimed. Then he looked stricken, "Eeeewww . . .!"

"The curse works only on **MEN**, not _BOYS_." I exclaimed exasperatedly. (I didn't know Sango had a perverted mind. 0_o) "The elementals were cruel but I don't think any of them really wanted to be responsible for being the cause of sudden sensual behaviour in a small boy." I shuddered, against some sick images running through my head. "That's just nauseating."

"Almost as nauseating as your face." Sango muttered. I felt myself sink low, she hates me. (-_-, I suppose I deserve it.)

Kagome elbowed the taijiya hard in the ribs. "Sango that was totally uncalled for."

"**GET AWAY FROM MY WOMAN!!!!**" An angered voice yelled out. I was surprised when the two girls plus fox were suddenly slammed sideways into a grove of bushes on the other side of the clearing. "Good morning oh sweet love of my heart." Inu Yasha soothed, taking my right hand. "How are you?"

I whimpered. (Whimpered? I don't whimper! I'm calm-as-a-boulder Miroku! I do not whimper!) Miroku you must _control_!!! Whimpering makes you sound interested! "I'm fine. Let go of me please." I said nervously. So much for being in control but then again you can't blame me, who wouldn't be scared out of their minds at the moment? Well then again there are those who do consider Inu Yasha a 'good catch' or 'a hottie' as my time traveling friend puts it. Though I can't help but wonder at times why? It must either be the hair or just the ears.

"Of course. As you wish my eternal sweet beauty." Inu Yasha whispered lovingly. (0_0 = That's almost exactly my expression, only my eyes go bigger.)The hanyou let go of my hand. "Ai shiteru." He murmured. 

I scooted backwards till my back met the rough bark of a tree. "Um . . . I don't love you!" I whimpered. Dammit! I whimpered. I feel so pathetic.

"Isn't that the beauty of love, my beautiful Miroku?" Inu Yasha said dreamily. "You don't have to love me! Love just means loving a person even though they don't love you in return." He jumped over to where I was heart pounding erratically in my ears, "I was going to pick you some flowers but then I forgot when you were gone from my sight, but I remember now. Oh sweet o lovely merciless slayer of my heart." The hanyou hugged me. At that moment everything that I had done (perverted and/or not) in my whole entire life flashed before my eyes in one instant. And you know what I figured out?

I wasted my life.

I wanted to die. Kill me. Someone. Better yet kill Inu Yasha that stupid evil hanyou who was. . . . . kissing my neck – aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!! Eeeeeeww! Help! I'm being molested by a hanyou! I wanted to cry, but did I cry? No, why? He'd probably lick away my tears. I want to shudder after that thought but if I do he might think that I'm shivering in delight. So I just closed my eyes and prayed to whatever god above to help me get away from Inu Yasha! GAAHH!!! He's . . . he's . . . he felt me up! That . . . that . . . _dog_ felt me up! AAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Oh most gracious of dear gods above I beg you to listen to me just this one eensy weensy little time! I'll never ask any favour upon any of you again if you listen to me just this once! Please send a demon over to kill me! WAIT! No! Don't! Don't listen to me! Me idiot! Shit, hopefully they were all too busy making the wind strong enough to lift some woman's kimono. Is it me or did the wind just get stronger? Oh hell no!

"SESSHOMARU DON'T LOOK!" I heard Kagome yell. 

Damn! The gods _were_ listening! The one time they listen to me and it had to be when I didn't want them to listen to me! NO! That's it I'm going to unwrap the prayer beads on my hand and suck myself in. Hopefully I land in a happy placed filled with lovely hopping bunnies, beautiful bright coloured flowers and with a beautiful winged half naked Sango massaging my back then . . . . 

Aw crap! I'm going becoming delusional!! HELP!

Suddenly the golden glowing orbs of light from which I was staring horrified into disappeared and were replaced by similar ones that were completely different. Demon. Sesshomaru. I did the only thing I knew I could do. 

I screamed.

And I screamed loud and proud. Okay no. More like ear splitting, girly and fearfully. Well you would too if you were a man-gone-woman and were being molested by some sexy hanyou and were now in the arms of his even sexier half-brother.

. . . . . . . . . . Dear gods above I did NOT just think that. Miroku you are a man! Think manly thoughts! Okay . . . . . Sango in the hot springs. Yes . . . much better. 

He's . . . he's nuzzling me. Sesshomaru is nuzzling me. Sweet gods above! Someone up there hates me. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! HE'S KISSING ME!!! I scream for all I'm worth and start kicking and punching and trying to get away. I suppose you're wondering why I didn't do this before right? It was probably because the full implication of _'getting jiggy'_ with a demon didn't really sink into my brain. Until now. It was futile, yet I fought like wild cat. The taiyoukai's arms wrap around me tightly and he uses a free leg to still my limbs. I close my eyes waiting for the inevitable. 

**__**

"LET GO OF HER YOU BASTARD!"

Suddenly I'm not in Sesshomaru's arms, I sighed in relief knowing that Inu Yasha had taken care of him for me. I look around to see where Sesshomaru went and I was met with sight that I thought could never be possible. I just gaped in total surprise – you would too. Jaken the lowly little green underling was bashing his staff of heads upon the great taiyoukai of the west. 

"Sesshomaru! I'm tired of working for you! I'm going to take that woman as my mate and you aren't going to stop me!" Jaken shouted for the entire world to hear.

Have I mentioned how much I absolutely loathe those elementals?

Anywho back to the one being abused here. *Cough* While Sesshomaru was being busy being bashed upon I ran, cowardly you say? Well then let's think about this as a . . . . . tactful retreat. Ahem. What? Anyway I'm running and running and I know something bad will happen soon – but I don't know when. Sango, Kagome and Kirara were no where to be seen. How could they abandon me?!

"Miroku!" Kagome shouted out. She and Sango were on Kirara's back charging at me from the side toward the village when they passed by Kagome grabbed my arm and hauled me up onto the fire cat's back. "Kirara! To Kaede's hut!" Kagome shouted.

The fire cat merely jumps into the air and heads toward the village. I sigh in relief when we left that particularly meadow. I wonder where Inu Yasha went? Oh who cares? I sigh again slumping against Kagome's back trying not to cry since only women cry. Wait. Okay I'm a man in a woman's body so would it be okay to cry even though am I man yet trapped in a feminine body? Oh damn the world to the hells! 

"You Sesshomaru will follow?" Sango asked.

Kagome shakes her head, "Nah, I don't think he'll remember Miroku as a woman. Jaken beating him up yes. But he won't remember Miroku."

"What makes you say that Lady Kagome?" I ask curiously. We are nearing the village.

"Remember what Inu Yasha said about the flowers?"

Nope, I was too busy trying not to get molested by a half doggie but I'll play along! "Yeah." 

"Well remember how he said he forgot to get you flowers _after_ you were gone from his sight?"

I wasn't listening to a word that hanyou was babbling about! I was trying to get away from him A.S.A.P.! Couldn't Kagome understand that?! "Yup."

"Well my theory is that if we get Inu Yasha from looking at you he won't love you! Same with demons and humans!" the miko exclaimed.

Hey that might work! I guess going to school isn't so bad after all. Kirara lands in the middle of the village and we all get off. The little cat hops up onto Sango's shoulder. "Yeah! That'll work! It'll keep the demons and hanyous and hu – " I cut myself off eyes widened. Humans. Village. Men.

Sango turned to face me. "Miroku why are you – ?" Her eyes widened as well in realization when she saw a man come out of a hut and look directly at the (former?) monk.

Kagome swallowed hard when all the village men started advancing upon us. "Miroku." She whispered.

I gulp the large lump in my throat. "Yeah?" I whispered back.

**__**

"RUN!" 

_________________________

Sorry for not making this chap longer. I didn't really spell check so blah. -_-


	3. The irony!

Miroku ran on blindly with a bunch of men running after her. The (former?) monk wanted to just break down and cry again. 'This whole breaking down and crying thing must be a girl thing! I haven't wanted to cry since that time I fell down flat on my face!' He thought incoherently. 

Sango watched in amusement as Miroku ran all over the village scarcely avoiding all the men that just popped up out of nowhere, she was especially enjoying the growing mob of women that were just waiting for the (former?) monk and then men to fall into heir clutches. Did I mention the women had an incredibly large arsenal of sharp pointy things at their disposal? "This is the most amusing thing I've ever witnessed." The exterminator said in amusement.

"Sango!" Kagome reprimanded. We're supposed to be helping our cursed friend!"

"Twice cursed." A thought hit Sango causing her to laugh. 

"Sango! Is this no time to be laughing! We have to help Miroku!"

But the irony!" She managed to choke out when she calmed down a little. "The IRONY! Think about it! Now he knows how it feels to be groped! Only fifty times worse!" she laughed uproariously. 

Kagome rolled her eyes, "I've already thought of the irony of this situation!" 

"And it's funnier every time I think about it!" 

The priestess-in-training placed her hands on her hips and shook her head, "You love to see Miroku being abused, don't you?" 

"Sango grinned, "Nope. I live for it!" 

"Sango!" 

"Fine. Fine. I'll go help." The taijiya said resignedly. She whispered something over to Kirara who jumped off the girl's shoulder, transformed and charged toward the poor abused (former?) monk. 

Miroku ran on. They were catching up. The men. Were catching up!!! 'I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!!' She screamed in her mind. Suddenly a transformed Kirara appeared. She ran up to the cat demon vaulted onto her back and breathed a sigh of relief when they flew into the air above the village. "Thank you Kirara!" Miroku said in relief, she petted the cat's ears earning her a contented purr. 

Kagome slapped Sango on the back. "You did the right thing Sango." 

The exterminator sighed. "Maybe. But it still didn't feel right to me." 

Kagome rolled her eyes, hooked her arm around Sango's and cheerfully tugged her toward Kaede's hut whistling a happy tune. 

They were unaware, of course, of the mass genocide of men and the start of the very first Amazon women tribe in Japan that was going to occur in five . . . . . four . . . . three . . . two . . one. 

______________________ 

Inu Yasha got up groggily. He gingerly held his head wondering what the hell happened. He thought back but the only thing that occurred to him was this fuzzy picture of some long black haired girl, and a hazy mental image of Sesshomaru getting beaten up by a small green frog thing. Jaken was it? 

Inu yasha shook his head. Nah! It couldn't be. Could it? 

The half dog demon shook his head once more as if to shake out all the plaguing thoughts in his mind. He looked at the horizon. 

It was getting late. The sun was down and stars were beginning to show. 

He'd better head back. Maybe Kagome had some more of those Chimichangas she brought to replace the Ramen because she didn't have time to go get anymore. Yum. Chimichangas. 

And with that said and done he got up, dusted himself off and headed in the direction of his intended destination. 

______________________ 

Sesshomaru looked apathetically at his underling who was currently hanging upside down by his leg tied to a low branch nearly naked – except for a loincloth around a very small part of his anatomy. Yes that you sickos. 

Rin clung to Sesshomaru's leg then looked up at her idol. "Sesshomaru-sama!" she said calling his attention. 

The taiyoukai looked down silently allowing her to speak. 

"Why is Jaken upside down?" 

The inu youkai growled at the frog. "He . . . . . did something." 

Jaken tried to squirm away from his master's white-hot intense gaze but to no avail. He was still upside down. He still couldn't figure out why he had suddenly attacked his master. Oh. Stupid him. He could still see the taut fury in his master's eyes as he gazed enraged beyond all doubt at him. 

Rin gasped. "Jaken did something bad didn't he?" She didn't wait for an answer and marched right up to the inverted demon. The little girl took a stick from the ground and poked him in both eyes. "That's for being mean!" she exclaimed when Jaken screamed out in pain. "Rin will punish Jaken for being a meany butt to Sesshomaru-sama!!" Rin exclaimed brandishing her rather pointy stick at the helpless youkai. 

Sesshomaru sat down cross-legged and smiled amused at the sight of his young ward torturing the hapless Jaken. He was touched, to say the least, at his ward's protective manner over him and was a bit happy that he was getting some good entertainment. At the expense of hit retainer of course. 

The demon lord smirked. Rin's torture techniques were rather . . . . . inventive for someone her age. He chuckled when the green demon screamed.

______________________

Inu Yasha looked back over his shoulder. He could've sworn he just heard someone scream. "My imagination again." The half demon stated with a shrug then made on his way. 

______________________ 

Miroku leaned back against the wall wrapped in a dark black hooded cloak that hid her eyes. "Do you have any ideas that could help me in this situation I am in Lady Kaede?" 

Kaede shook her head sadly. "I be sorry Miroku, but I hath no knowledge of any remedy that could help ye."

"So I am stuck. As a female." She said slowly. 

"Until you get kissed by your one truelove!" Shippo piped up. 

Sango snorted. "The question is who is his or her one true love?" 

Kagome placed some unwrapped Chimichangas onto the no stick frying pan. She had inkling who that someone could be but she dared not voice out her opinions. Yet. 

"INU YASHA IS COMING!" Shippo yelled out suddenly. 

Kagome jumped up, handed Kaede the pan then ran outside into the dark night and blocked the door just in time to see a red blur stop in front of her. "Inu Yasha. I have to tell you something. And it's VERY important." 

"Out of the way wench." Inu Yasha growled. He had a bad day and now all he wanted to do was get out of the cold and get warm. 

"Inu Yasha! Just listen!" Kagome protested but was rudely shoved to the side. She fell to the ground where she glared hard at the hanyou. 

The half demon sniffed. "Are those Chimichangas I smell?" he made to enter the door. 

Kagome was going to say 'sit' but she didn't want to ruin the front part of Kaede's house. So she shouted out the next best thing. "Inu Yasha! I'm in love with your brother!" she said. 

"WHAT?!" he screeched and whirled around to face her seething. "What the hell do you see in that impassive asshole?!" he growled. 

Then a thought hit him. 

Kagome opened her mouth to speak but stopped herself when he leaned down close to her. "Um . . . what?" she asked nervously under his intense scrutiny. 

Inu Yasha asked in a serious somber tone. "Have you had sex with him?" 

______________________

CHIMICHANGAS ARE REAL!! GET SOME

THEY'RE REALLY REALLY GOOD!!!! 

A huge thanks to pinkjasmine for helping with this fic. Check out her stories if you're a Card Captor fan.


	4. Triple sitting!

Inu Yasha was still unconscious from the sitting Kagome gave him. We tried to ask her why she did it, but she just glared at us. Her face was red though. Hhhmmm . . . . . . It makes me wonder . . . could it be that our Inu Yasha finally got enough balls to ask our Kagome to bear his child? 

. . . 

What?! It could happen!

You know what's been bugging me lately? Am I a monk? It's strange. You can only be a monk if you are a man – but I am a woman with the thinking pattern (and capacity) of a male. So am I still a monk despite the fact I am woman? If not, wouldn't that make me a priestess? A miko like Kagome? Only Kagome isn't really a miko – she just has miko abilities. Untrained dangerous abilities might I add. Ergh. Too much thinking. So bored. I'll just stick with the monk title for now – maybe Mushin will no what to do! Yeah we could go visit him, I just hope he doesn't try any moves on me with me in this . . . . . situation. I would just have to kill him if he did. Hhhmmm I wonder if that would be how Sango feels whenever I grope her . . . 

Well I'm off. I need to go think, anywhere but here. Sango and Kirara went somewhere – they wouldn't tell me where though (It's not as if Kirara could talk and Sango wasn't feeling generous). Kagome went back to her time, little Shippo is somewhere out there, and Kaede is out in the forest getting herbs. Leaving me alone . . . with HIM. So I guess you could comprehend my desire to leave this hut and get FAR away from that gods forsaken mutt. 

I draped the dark black hooded cloak around my shoulders, wrapped a black silk scarf around the lower half of my face, picked up my shakujo and pulled the black hood low over my face so that it was in the shadows. I stepped up to the flap of the hut and prepared to take my first steps out into the world – well technically not, but you get the drift. I took a deep breath and pulled aside the flap, my eyes widened in surprise at the scene I saw. 

Men. I know what you're thinking. What's so special about men?! Well can you honestly tell me that you've ever seen a village full of men lined up, nearly naked, in a straight row, upside down and ALL bald? Huh can ya!? I didn't think so! 

Well this one of those very few times in my life where I'm glad I am not a man. Yup, very few. In fact this is the only time I've ever been glad that I'm a woman. Yup. 

I walked up to one of the women nearby and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned, said something cheerful, I said something cheerful then I asked, "Why are all the men upside down, nearly naked and bald?"

Her face hardened, "They were all chasing after a woman and in front of us! Worse than Miroku them were!"

I made an 'oh' sound, exchanged more pleasantries then retreated as fast as I could toward the forest. It would be best for them (and me) if they didn't know I was the woman 'them' were chasing. I don't exactly want to die at the moment.

Uh oh.

I need to go pee.

Uh . . . how do women pee?

Darn! I don't know! 

Great. Now while I'm contemplating on how to go about emptying my bladder, I'm doing the little dance. You know, the dance where you jump up and down from foot to foot as the pressure in your bladder increases to the point of spilling. Yeah, that one. That ever popular dance children frequently performed and adults occasionally indulged in. 

The little stream that was trickling nearby wasn't helping any. Trickle. Trickle. Trickle.

ARGH!

Okay think back. Wait. Kagome! Urgh . . . squatting . . . . . something about squatting! I think. Dammit! I wish Sango or Kagome were here. Even Kaede would be a welcome instructor. She would be less likely to laugh. 

One would think that person who was as perverted as I would know how women excreted urine from their bodies. Well guess what? 

I don't. So there! 

Oh crap. Uh think Miroku! Squatting. Sango once said something about squatting. Okay.

I squatted down by the base of a tree and pulled up my robes. Okay. Uh . . . squatting . . . uh what did she say next? Um . . . I think she said that a snake almost bit her while she was squatting . . . . 

ARGH!

I jumped up backing away from the tree and allowing my robes to fall freely. Oh man! What do I do!?

ERGH!

*

I snuck back quietly toward Kaede's hut. I paused outside the flap of the hut when I heard voices within.

"Why the hell did you sit me for you bitch?!"

Inu Yasha.

"You deserved it!"

Kagome.

"I did NOT! Unless . . . . . unless you really DID have sex with Sesshomaru!!!!!"

Yup. No doubt about it, that accusation was all Inu Ya – Did he just accuse our Kagome of '_doing it_' with Sesshomaru?!

"**SIT**!" 

He deserved it.

"BITCH!"

He's just plain suicidal. 

"**SIT**! **SIT**! **SIT**! I did **_NOT_** have sex with your brother!!"

Ouch. A triple sitting. His nose must hurt a lot.

"HMMMPPHHMMM!!"

I wonder what he just said.

"Half brother, half sister. I don't care! The point is I did _NOT_ do the hanky panky with him!"

How could Kagome even remotely understand him with his face planted to the ground?

"HMMPHHM!?"

Wait . . . what does hanky panky mean?

"Hanky panky just basically means . . . . . having sex . . ."

Interesting . . . . . 

"HMMMPH PHMMMMHHHMMMP HPHM PHHMMHH!!!"

"**_JAKEN_**?! YOU'RE ACCUSING **_ME_** OF SCREWING AROUND WITH JAKEN!? **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**!"

Oh . . . Bad bad bad move! Poor abused harassed bruised beaten and battered Kaede's floor. 

"HHHMMPPHHHHMMMPHHHHMMMMMHHHHHHMMMMPHMMMMMPHHHHMHHHHHHHMMMMHHHH!!!!"

I'm pretty sure that that was a run on sentence.

"**_ SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT! SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! **_SIT_**! Hmph! I don't have to listen to this any longer! I just came back to tell you something about Miroku!"

Eeee. I better go in before she explains.

I walked carefully keeping my back to the wall and warily watching the two fight – well actually Inu Yasha was unconscious and Kagome was just staring, at what I interpreted her gaze meant, concerned at the welfare of the poor battered hut floor. She sighed then turned around to look at me with an odd look.

"Miroku." She said and cocked her head to the side. "Uh . . . . . why do you have your butt against the wall?"

I laughed nervously and grabbed my spare robes. "No reason . . . . . uh . . . I gotta go!" I said and raced out the door with posterior still facing the wall. I ran behind the hut and sighed in relief. Note to self: Get a veil. Hoods are just so damn hard to keep on especially when racing around everywhere – which we do a lot of.

I heard footsteps entering the hut. "Hello Kagome." Pause. "Let me guess. You and Inu Yasha had an argument." 

Sango.

"Yeah. So where'd you and Kirara run off to?"

I discarded my old robes and donned on my spare ones.

"We went around and talk to some people about the elementals about rumours, stories, curses, information on their location . . . . ."

I perked up at that. Maybe Sango deep down inside DID care about me.

"Any luck?"

She probably didn't have any with the way my luck has been going.

"No. Although there was this story of a man got turned into a cow by an elemental . . ."

I blinked. 

"A cow?!"

I blinked twice.

"A female one too. Apparently he was spying on the very same elementals that cursed Miroku."

I blinked thrice. (Is thrice a word?)

Kagome laughed then replied. "Miroku sure is lucky that he . . . she only switched genders!"

Yup. ^^ I sure am lucky.

"And that he/she only has one curse placed upon him!"

TWO! Two curses!

"Yeah imagine if he was a female cow!"

WHAT?!

"He would probably ask us to milk him!" They laughed.

0_0 I had no idea how they sick they were!!!

"That would be funny!" Kagome exclaimed between laughs.

They're Cruel. Just plain cruel. ;-;

"It would be even be funnier if he were one of the men being tortured outside by the village women!"

She hates me . . . 

"Sango!"

;~;

"What? Hey . . . how come there's a trail of piss on the floor?"

*

I walked along in the middle of the group with Kirara on my shoulder. When Inu Yasha found out about what he did he tried to commit seppuku (ritual suicide) with the nearest thing he could find . . . . . Which happened to be a plastic butter knife. Sad world. Well he couldn't commit seppuku so he just avoided me instead.

Well I have veil now. I can see the world but they can't see me – my face anyway. It's much better seeing as the hood always flapped back revealing my face.

We stopped for lunch and I started the cooking fire, as usual, when I felt something trickle down my legs. It couldn't have been urine. The girls taught me how to pee properly! I finished the fire and hastily excused myself.

I ran into the brush and hoisted up my robes. There was blood running down my thighs!!! I pulled down my underwear and inspected myself. I was bleeding! Down there! I definitely don't feel injured or even remember being harmed in the first place! What do I do? I know! Kagome. She'll know what to do!

I put everything back on then calmly walked over to where Kagome was crouched and placing some water over the fire. I tapped her on the shoulder, she turned and looked at me with questioning eyes.

"Kagome. May I speak to you. In private?" I asked.

The miko nodded then stood up and followed me behind some bushes. Oh great. What do I say? Could you please help me Kagome? I'm bleeding from my crotch! -_-

"What is Miroku?" She asked when we stopped.

I looked at a tree behind her hiding my nervousness a moment of silence before I said. "I'm bleeding." 

She gasped in alarm then grabbed my arm and started to examine me. "Where? I don't see anything." She said peering up at me. 

I felt myself blush. "My . . . . . groin . . . . ." I muttered.

Kagome stared at me as if I'd suddenly grown three heads. What? Do I have a booger? How would she even see the booger behind the veil?

"Monthlies." She said quietly. "You're having your 'period'."

Huh?

Kagome let go of me then backed away. Did I sprout a head or something?

"Stay right here! Don't move!" She cautioned. Then she spun around and ran full speed to the camp.

What'd I do?

-

Shakujo – Miroku's staff. A staff given to monks of the Shinto religion. (I think it's the Shinto religion.)

This chapter is dedicated to Queen Klu and pinkjasmine.


	5. My dream!

^^ Thanks for the reviews. This chapter is for **_XZanayu_**.

**__**

IMPORTANT NOTICE: I have changed the elemental names **Azimaru** and **Tejjia** to _Hi_ and _Mizu_. Which I believe mean fire and water.

*

Inu Yasha sat close to the fire watching IT intently. IT had always been something of a mystery to him. Oh Kagome had explained how IT worked, but he'd never really seen IT work. In the mornings, when Kagome and Sango were preparing their morning meals, Kagome would set IT up. IT would toast bread and when IT was done doing so IT would make a soft _'ping'_ and bread would pop up, the once white bread would then become a delicious looking golden colour – kinda like magic. Yet he had never seen the bread magically pop up. Only heard the _'ping'_ , of course he'd seen and tasted the toasted bread. However he had never seen it pop up, he'd watch the toaster as Kagome called IT but whenever the bread did pop up someone always obstructed his view and all he'd hear was the _'ping'_.

But this time! This time things would be different! He'd see the toaster pop up with ready toasted bread. THIS time he'd witness the popping up of the bread and this time he wouldn't have to just hear the _'ping'_ alone. And do you know why? Because he was toasting the bread AT NOON! Clever eh? Now he'd be able to watch the damned portable toaster WITHOUT the obstructions! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

Inu Yasha chuckled insanely observing IT resolutely. "Soon . . . . . Soon. . . . ." He muttered. The hanyou continued watching IT not blinking, Naraku or Sesshomaru could come by for all he cared and he still wouldn't've moved. 

Shippo looked over at the dog demon concernedly and shook his head sadly. The kit blamed the halfling's behaviour on the toaster (five percent of it any way, the rest he blamed on his parents for not spanking him enough). He looked down depressed as he patted Kirara's head. What dismal disheartening future the future would be like. He could just see it now. Imagine, staring at a toaster until the bread popped up just for entertainment. 

Sango flopped down on the grassless ground with a sigh; she turned to see Inu Yasha staring at the toaster then rolled her eyes. "What is it with you and that toaster?" She asked in exasperation. 

"Shut up." He growled staring unblinkingly at the bloody device. 

Sango shook her head sadly. 

All of the sudden Kagome came running out of the brush and ran straight toward her yellow bag. She rummaged through it hastily and withdrew something encased in plastic, she ran over to Sango grabbed her by the arm and pulled her toward the same place she had come by inadvertently knocking a certain hanyou over. Then they disappeared into the thick foliage of the woodlands. 

__

'PING' 

Inu Yasha closed his eyes and just laid down there, face up, taking deep breaths. It was okay. He'd try it again tonight. He could wait. He won't go over to Shippo and abuse him. He was going to be patient. Yes siree Bob. He wasn't going to hurt poor little innocent Shipoo despite the fact that he looked so abuseable and hurtable and bonkable and punchable and kickable and bruiseable and biteable and bashable and stompable and Iron-reaver-soul-stealerable and Kaze no Kizuable. Nope. He wasn't going to hurt him . . . . . 

Yeah and Sesshomaru is really a woman!! Pah! 

Shippo shook his head as he stared at the halfling. Then without a word walked over to the toaster took out the bread and went over to Kagome's bag in search of cheese. 

*

The figure hopped over the many large obstacles in up ahead with determination. Oh his master would just LOVE the information that he had. He smirked, his master would like his information so much that he wouldn't even think of torturing him this time! He thought with glee. Then he frowned. But then again one never knew around his master. His master never indicated when he'd strike – sometimes he would.

He shuddered once more. He'd have REALLY good information this time! Regarding a couple of big nuisances that were forever pestering him – and was a pain in the ass too. His master would be so pleased!

* 

"Ka. Go. Me!!" Sango choked out as her priestess friend tugged her deeper into the woods. When the taijiya didn't get a response she tugged her friend back and they both fell to the ground. 

"Sango! What was that for?!" Kagome cried sitting up. 

Sango sighed, she sat down and crossed her arms, "I'm not leaving till you tell my exactly WHY you dragged me all the way here!" 

"It's . . . . . Miroku . . . . ." She said uncertainly.

"So? What about him?" 

The miko leaned in close and whispered something into her friend's ear. Sango's eyes widened as she stared at the young untrained miko mouth agape. 

"Do you NOW see what's so urgent?!" 

Sango nodded gravely. "Yes. I do. But . . . . . do you think we should . . . ?" 

Kagome bit her lip and thought hard, "I don't honestly know. He IS a man, well . . . . . sorta is . . ." Silence rang for an everlasting eternity as they carefully thought about what to do with the Miroku situation.

Somewhere a big fat worm munched on a decomposing corpse beneath a tree where stands of thin sun light shone through brightly. Yup after he was done at work he'd go home to his worm wife and worm children and tuck the children in then make more worm babies with his worm wife – but it died. A sparrow swooped down and flew up to the highest branch of the tree, with worm in beak, where the sun danced freely then gobbled it up with a cheerful chirp. However it chirped so loudly that a hawk came down and ate it. The hawk was so happy that he perched on a low branch where a hard rock, shot from a slingshot, broke his brain therefore killing him. The hawk fell down where two reincarnated very young human boys, Hiten and Maten, picked it up for their dinner, but on their way they dropped it in a river. The river carried the dead carrion all the way to a far riverbank where a red fox picked it up to for her pups but on her way she accidentally dropped it over a high cliff. The dead carrion fell down to the base of a tree where a worm husband started munching it . . . . . 

Thus one cycle of life was completed before Sango and Kagome came to a decision. 

Sango sighed, "We have to do it. Or else . . . " 

"You weren't supposed to agree." Kagome muttered crossing her arms, "You were supposed to say, 'Oh hell with Miroku! He/she can do it himself!' Or something similar." 

The taijiya gave her friend a deadpan look then stood up and pulled her Kagome to her feet. She dusted her long green skirt, "You go and explain to him about . . . . . the situation and I'll go back to the camp and grab the things. We'll meet at that hot spring Inu Yasha pointed out earlier." Sango turned and trudged towards the camp, she sighed wearily as if she carried the weight of the world. 

* 

__

Author doesn't think that referring to Miroku as a 'her' _is as good as referring to him as a _'him'_. Therefore Miroku is from now on a _'he'_. Don't argue with author for author gets pissy if people argue with her. If you don't like the change read some other fic. If you do chose to continue reading despite the pronoun change then author will give you internet Inu Yasha shaped butter cookies and crying mushrooms for your dedication. ^_^ Oh and a glass of soda that tastes exactly like coke but isn't coke. _

Thank you . . . . . if you're stilling reading this fic.

*

A bird twittered its morning song on a bare tree branch high above a certain monk's head. Yet the monk noticed not the simple beauty of the twittering of the tiny-feathered creature. No. Since the monk was to be busy being unmonkly-like for he was thinking of touching himself. 

. . . . . Yes. The monk IS contemplating caressing his posterior. However it's not as bad as it sounds. No. He is not gay – though he is annoyingly cheerful at times – rather he is _different_ from other monks . . . . 

Miroku looked at his butt, then at his bust. His hand twitched insanely. Here he was in a female's body, all to his little old self. All he had to do was reach down to be able to pat his butt, no problems right? 

Wrong. 

After the little escapade between the inu brothers he didn't honestly FEEL like groping himself – even if he was in a female's body. A NICE female's body. With a gorgeous figure, a big bust, and a cute butt . . . . 

Okay. Maybe he really did want to. . . 

Just a tiny bit . . . 

His butt looked absolutely irresistible . . . . . 

Then a thought popped up into his head.

What if the elementals made the curse go a little deeper? What if they made it so that EVERY male-male wanted to fondle him? Meaning that they made it so that he wanted to grope himself? He was a male-male – sorta – not really though because he was now a male-female. Then again could be just his imagination his hand did really have a mind of its own when it came to females . . . . . and their butts . . . . . 

__

Rub. Rub. 

Miroku looked around startled when he felt someone's hand on his rear. He looked around wildly in search of the perpetrator of such a heinous crime! The person should be punished! Sentenced to a life as a cow! He should – Oh wait. It was just his hand. How embarrassing. 

__

Rub. Rub. 

The monk sighed; he stared at his hand currently caressing his rear end. His hand really was cursed, and here he thought he was just making up excuses. Oh well the girls didn't need to know that piece of information. 

__

Rub. Rub. 

"Miroku!" 

The said monk slapped his hand and dragged to his side trying to look normal. Well as normal as you could when you're turned into the opposite gender of what you were before. 

Kagome burst out of the brush with a nervous smile gracing her lips. "Hey Miroku! Um . . . are you still bleeding?" She asked uncertainly. 

Miroku gave her a deadpan look before walking towards her. He stopped in front of the miko then jerked his thumb back to the space he had previously occupied, and to the small pool of blood. 

"Heh heh. Well I take it that you still are." Kagome cleared her throat suddenly. She took out two small rod-like things wrapped in plastic and presented them to the monk. "Um . . . let me explain . . . . . "

~ 

Miroku squirmed/walked as he and Kagome made their way back to the camp. Jeez . . . these 'tampons' were a bloody bitch! It felt just so uncomfortable . . . so . . . weird . . . the thing was just . . . there . . . up your vagina just there . . . soaking up all the blood dripping – how the hell do the women of the future survive!?

"Miroku."

The monk shook his head clearing his head of all pondering of womanly things. He already did enough pondering for one day. "Yes?" He answered.

Kagome thought for a while before saying slowly: "Sango and I think you should bathe." She thought she did that rather nicely. 

He looked straight ahead with a look surprised incredulity upon his visage but Kagome couldn't see it because of the veil. His voice took on a sly tone when he said, "Really? Are you two gonna ba – "

__

SMACK!

Sango with a bundle under one arm, Hiraikotsu poised over Miroku's head. Miroku on the ground swirly-eyed. Sango red, angry, dangerous looking and grinding her teeth. Kagome sweat-dropping, sighing, pointing, scolding. 

*

The room was large. The room was a throne room with large multi-coloured glass windows of the six elements. Earth, Fire, Water, Air, Darkness and Light. The high domed ceiling of the room contained all the mentioned elements in an illusionary view, each raging against each other yet managing to coexist and live despite their contradictions. Large pillars of roman styled columns supported the ceiling, as did all columns yet unlike ordinary columns these were made of pure water shaped with fish swimming about on the inside. Pure fire drapes covered half covered the coloured windows, the ground was bare with nothing but random clouds seeming to pass underneath without much order. Autumn leaves fell down methodically yet disappeared far before it reached the empty ground. Shadows of objects and people that weren't there popped up haphazardly here and there. Light streamed down from random positions flitting about graciously.

In the middle of this room was a large round table made of nothing but air so that it looked invisible to any outsiders. Six elaborate thrones circled the table each made of one of the six elements. Each had it's Japanese symbol engraved upon it. Very rarely did the actual inhabitants of this room use this meeting area but on this occasion they did. Six females sat at their appropriate elemental throne; four of the six were scowling darkly while the other two looked down sheepishly.

"Hi! Mizu!" The one with nearly blinding white hair said with a scowl marring her usual gorgeous visage. "Idiots, the both of you! You two have nothing up here do you?!" She stated as she tapped one pristine pale finger to her head.

"We're sorry sis!" Mizu pleaded. "I – we didn't think – "

"That's damn right!" A blacked-eyed woman stated sternly. She ran a smooth black skinned hand through her raven-haired tresses in frustration. "You two never think!"

Hi stood up piqued by her sister's words, "It was an honest mistake – "

The brown haired elemental snorted. "I'm sure you 'accidentally' turned a man into woman! Just like you 'accidentally' turned that man into a female cow!" She said sarcastically. Her vivid leaf green eyes danced as they watched her two squirming sisters.

The fire elemental sat down reluctantly, but with a bitter scowl on her face.

The light blue haired sister sighed sadly and looked at her fighting siblings through baby blue eyes. "Mizu. Hi. You must never do this ever again. Understand?" She said in a whispery voice.

The two nodded mutely.

"I don't understand something though." The earth elemental said intrigued. 

"What is it that you don't understand Earth sister?" The elemental of darkness muttered. "It's excruciatingly obvious that those two fucked up."

Hi's blood red eyes blazed at that comment and opened her mouth to protest about that remark but her air sister silenced her with a soft look. "Dark sister please refrain from using such language. Earth sister please continue."

She nodded, "Why is it that the rules of equivalent trade did not work upon the monk? It worked for that man that the two turned into a bovine female."

"His holy powers. Something we should never tamper with." Light sister said with a sigh.

Mizu and Hi looked traded perplexed looks. This didn't go unnoticed by they others present at the table.

"Oh by the gods above! You two don't know the rule about equivalent trade?!" Dark sister cried exasperated.

The air sister looked over at her two siblings with a sigh, "Of course they do not know. How could they if you won't allow them to read the book of rules?"

"The rule of equivalent trade is simple." Light sister began, ignoring the tirade of curse dripping from her twin's mouth. "When you change something into something else you must exchange that thing with something of the equivalent mass. Like when you changed that man into a cow somewhere out there a female cow turned into a man. However that is unequal trade because the cow had much much more mass than the man so to make up for the missing mass in that man another cow closest in DNA to the cow turned human was turned half human. However when you turned that monk into a man you turned _only_ him into the opposite gender, there was no trade, no woman out there was randomly turned into man. Why? Because despite the fact that he is a major pervert he still retains a high amount of high holy energy. I'm not yet certain as to why our spells go chaotically wrong when placed upon a holy man/woman which is why we **_NEVER_** spell cast on people with holy energies." 

"What happens if there is no trade?" Mizu asked tentatively. 

Light sister sighed. She looked up and met the eyes of her sisters who were waiting apprehensively for her answer save for Dark sister who already knew. She looked directly at Mizu and Hi, "The caster or casters become mortal." 

*

__

The sound of water slapping rock awoke me. I yawn and stretch my arms lazily. I open my eyes and emit a small chuckle. What a strange dream! I get up from and stand on the lone cliff with my trusty shakujo by my side with a smile crossing my visage. It was just a dream. No elementals. I wasn't a female. I had just dreamed it all up! I laugh. It was the only thing I could think of to do under such a circumstance.

Miroku!

I turn to see a happily waving Sango at the bottom of the cliff smiling at me. Come on! Lunch is ready! Inu Yasha and Kagome are here!

I laugh then call back. I'm coming! I watch as Sango leaves skipping off and laughing. Naraku was gone; Kikyou was now a peace, Kohaku was alive and thriving. Soon Sango's brother wouldn't need the Shikon jewel shard in his back to live. Inu Yasha admitted his love for Kagome, soon after they mated and Kagome decided to live in the feudal era along with us. Ayame and Kouga mated. Sesshomaru and Inu Yasha were starting to act like brothers – albeit they still hate each other's guts but close enough. My Wind Tunnel was gone! Best of all Sango was now MY_ wife! Now we have twins, Tora (boy) and Aluki (girl), both are now four. _

I turn and walk down the cliff. I approach the clearing with a smile. Shippo and Kohaku are playing chess with Tora cheering Kohaku on and Aluki rooting for Shippo. Inu Yasha, Kagome and Sesshomaru are playing Chinese checkers with, surprisingly, Kagome winning by tremendous bounds leaving disgruntled Sesshomaru and Inu Yasha in semi-bad moods. Kouga and Ayame are cuddling up in a corner. Their kid Yukiyume is picking flowers with Rin. Jaken and Myouga are discussing all the abuse they've suffered while serving their master. Transformed Kirara and Ah-Un were play wrestling. Perfect. Almost.

Where was Sango?

I looked around and was pleasantly surprised when two thin arms encircled my _waist. Hello love. Been waiting long?_

I felt her shake her head. Nah. Come on lets eat! She slides to my side careful not to loosen her grip around my torso; I slide my hand and let it rest on her waist. Everything was perfect . . . 

Wait a sec . . . . . did I just a see a floating banana? 

Miroku woke up with a jolt. He looked wildly around only to discover that he was sopping wet not to mention naked in a hot spring. The strange thing was that the stars were out and it was night. His vivid black eyes searched around until they landed on Kagome and Sango who were in the water with white yukatas on. 

Sango held up a big bottle of pink shampoo with an evil smirk.

"Time to bathe Miroku!" Kagome said cheerfully as she held up a scrubby thing laden with sweet sakura smelling soap.

"Why can't I bathe myself?!" The monk asked incredulously as he inched back more and more. "There isn't anything wrong with looking at my own body!"

Sango and Kagome exchanged dead pan looks. "You get top half, I'll get the bottom half." Kagome said conversationally.

"Okay." 

*

Inu Yasha growled as he munched on his Ramen. He couldn't believe they made him carry around Miroku for the whole day! Sango knocked him unconscious she should've been the one who freakin' hauled around that monk! The hanyou gave a shiver of disgust as he thought of how easy it would've been for that veil of his to just slip off and now the two of them were giving him a bath! Well . . . that was a good thing supposedly . . . the monk did smell . . . icky . . .

The hanyou twitched then slapped his cheek. "So look who came to show their ass around here again." He said to his hand.

Myouga twitched in his flat form twice before he instantly popped up once more. "My Lord! I have news regarding Naraku!"

"Yeah? Then go on already!" He said as he slurped up some more Ramen.

"My lord. It seems that has moved toward the western lands . . . toward Sesshomaru."

"And?"

"Well you see . . . Sesshomaru has twenty jewel shards . . ."

"WHAT?!" Inu Yasha shouted. He jumped up and discarded his bowl of Ramen. "Dammit why didn't you tell me before?!"

Myouga jumped out of the way then prostrated himself before his master. "P . . . p . . . please spare me! I . . . I . . . I didn't know!!"

"Dammit!" The hanyou cursed again. "Now I have to wait for Kagome and Sango to finish up . . . "

Inu Yasha's flea retainer jumped up and saluted, "Don't worry! I'll go get them for you!" He said then hopped off before Inu Yasha could utter one word.

The hanyou 'hmphed' with a growl. Idiotic flea brained moron! He was holding back! Inu Yasha seethed in anger he'd bet Tetsusaiga that that idiot knew all along but never saw it fit to tell him! It would serve the flea right to fall in love with the monk!

*

Japanese meanings:

Yukata – A thin kimono used during sunny weather, sleeping, or bathing.

Hi – Fire 

Mizu – Water

Aluki – Snow

Tora – Tiger 

**__**

SPECIAL REQUEST! PLEASE READ! I really really really! I need to know the Japanese words for **_light_**,_ **darkness**_,_ **air** _and_ **earth**_! You can guess what they're for. PLEASE!!! I can't really continue very well if I don't know these words in Japanese and you guys are smart enough to know why! Oh! And uh . . . first to tell me gets . . . spoilers! But **_ONLY_** for the next chapter. ^_^ 

I don't know if there are actually any portable toasters but my story my rules! =}

I've never worn a tampon in my life so I don't really know the comfort level of them so I just made up what it would feel like. ^^

If you want me to answer a question leave me your email address. I don't really like answering question in chapters. Thank you.


	6. Kidnapped virgin!

The winner of the contest is *drumroll* _Wakadori Ramen_! Instead of getting a preview of the story she gets a part! Her name in the story is: _Tanpopo_

Thank you for all the support. Enjoy. Once again sorry for all the grammar and spelling mistakes.

****

Inuyasha Fact: Sesshomaru is shorter than Kouga. 

~~~~~~

The girls were toweling off my hair and dressing me up like a doll. Unfortunately my robes were covered in dung (Inuyasha _accidentally_ dropped my persons while I was unconscious.) and my spare ones were lost . . . so the girls say. Now I'm wearing Kagome's spare uniform and a white sweatshirt with a hood. Great. I'm thrilled to be wearing such revealing clothing; well at least I still have my trusty veil . . .

"What do you mean my veil was torn up?!" I cried in pure horrified terror. It was damn miracle that no males had seen me considering how exposed I was, but now my veil was torn up!

The girls exchanged uneasy glances – as if I didn't notice! They turned back to me with solemn expressions on their faces. Kagome spoke up. "Sorry Miroku. The thing is Shippo found your veil and . . . "

" . . . He thought it was a rag." Sango continued in a solemn voice. "So he and Kirara decided to play tug of war with it and it . . . "

"Ripped in half." I interjected half-heartedly. My eyes drifted to the ground as horrible images ran through my head – well I'm dead.

"We're sorry Miroku." Sango said softly.

I smile nervously. "When can I get a re – AH!" I slapped by chest in alarm. I peered down my shirt and cringed, I reached down then pulled out a flat Myouga. 

The girls stared at the dazed flea along with me. A moment of silence passed and then, "EEEEEEEWWW!!!" 

"That's just . . . just wrong!" Kagome said in disgust. 

I shoved the flea under my foot with a scowl marring my features. I sighed sadly; it wasn't easy being the most desirable female ever to live. 

*

A light breeze flew by whilst my short _short_ SHORT **_SHORT _**skirt gently fluttered about my thighs in a hypnotic fashion that was fascinating but which I chose to ignore as I kept my hood about my face. Our troupe traveled toward the northern mountains known as Abunai by the locals, rumour has it that a three sister monsters known as the Akuma have the ability to control the earth with the help of a violet shard sliver. Of course as soon as the dog heard that he insisted that we waste no more time and immediately makes us ship off – go figure.

As we were walking Shippo broke out into song and it went something like this: "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! Everybody's nerves! Everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! And this is how it goes! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! Everybody's nerves! Everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! And this is how it goes! I know – " It was about that point that I started to zone out.

Lady Kagome most likely taught the small kit that because of the similar tune that it has to that other song she taught him, 'The wheels on the bus go round and round' or something like it. Even though she tried many times to describe a 'bus' I still keep imagining a large long yellow banana with four large dray wheels. Don't ask.

We were travelling down a warn dirt path through a grassy area with long grass that would dwarf even Kouga by at least 3 feet. Lady Sango and I were bringing up the rear while Kagome and Shippo were stationed in the middle leaving Inuyasha in the lead.

I looked over at Sango and winked at her, she shook her head but had a grin gracing her rosy lips. I commenced countdown. "Five . . . . . Four . . . . Three . . . Two . . One ."

"WILL YA SHUT YOUR FRIGGING MOUTH!?" Inuyasha roared.

Ah. Inuyasha. Right on schedule. Now Shippo steps up to the board and he's gonna say something insulting!

"Why don't you? Only idiots get annoyed at that song. You must be one of them."

That was lame! Will the simple-minded dog even take the bait?

"WHY YOU LITTLE SHITHEAD!!!"

Did you ever doubt? Does everyone know what time it is? Yeah! You guessed it! Sit time!!!

Kagome was scowling at the dog as she yelled out. "Inuyasha! Sit boy!" _Thunk_. "Don't swear in front of Shippo! He's just a little boy!" 

Ouch. He's gonna swear now. Despite the fact he knows he's gonna get sat and they call me a masochist!

"Bitch – "

I can just hear the 'sit' command now.

"Sit!" _Thunk_.

U_U. I leaned down and whispered confidentially to Sango. "If his self-preservation skills are this bad now then I'd hate to have been there when he was younger."

Sango gave me a dry look before replying through gritted teeth, "I'd say the same about you."

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Whatever to do you mean Lady Sango?"

"Your. Hand." She growled as she bared her teeth dangerously.

"Heh. Now how did that get there?" I pulled my hand hastily away while laughing nervously. Sango looked at me dryly before she balled her hand into a fist and walloped me on the back of my head. "Ouch." The taijiya _hmphed_ and walked ahead toward Kagome stepping on the sat Inuyasha as she went. 

Contrary to popular belief I do feel pain whenever someone hits me – particularly my Sango, no _ESPECIALLY_ when my Sango hits me but it is always worth it. n_n

Ah my lovely Sango, if only you knew . . . . . 

*

"I sense an evil aura hovering above your humbled abode my Lady." I said bowing low to the woman who owned the walled domicile.

She snorted. "Are you telling me that a scantily dressed _whore_ such as yourself is a priestess who can see evil auras?" She replied disdainfully placing fan to cover her face.

How I missed my body. I could charm this woman into striping down naked and singing like a pig if I had my masculine body back but NOOOO the elementals just HAD to steal my body. Dammit why do I always refer back to them?! I might as well just grit my teeth and bare it. I should stop blaming them – I was partly at fault too. I admit it! It was all because of my lecherous ways. I was just so bent on seeing Sango in the spring that I forgot that I had to first find the best possible vantage point that wouldn't give away the fact I was there!! Stupid me.

I straightened up and gritted my teeth together then opened my mouth to reply when she cut me off. "And not only are you dressed as a whore but that little friend of yours is too! Not to mention you have han-you with you and a filthy little demon too!" The woman snorted.

I was surprised when none of the others said anything in response especially Inuyasha. I could not see them but I could still feel their aura behind me so I knew that they were still there . . . This was a bloody miracle! "My lady I assure you – " 

"Ergh! You have a filthy looking cat too! Disgusting!"

Grit your teeth and bare it. "My dear lady – "

Suddenly the lady gasped, with quick strides she walked passed me, I spun around in time to see her stop in front Sango. I glanced over at Inuyasha but he was just standing docile next to Kagome, Kirara and Shippo – the three, plus fire cat, held murder in their eyes. "Oh my goodness how could I have missed you! A _taijiya_ a female one at that! Oh do come in dear and if you wish you may bring in these . . . companions . . . of yours." She said happily sweeping away Sango toward the inner courtyard.

The rest of the troupe and I followed close to the woman as we entered her abode. I leaned down toward Kagome who was walking transversely to me, "How come Inuyasha didn't attack the woman?" I questioned.

She looked up and me and replied rather sheepishly: "I kinda threatened to pull your hood down in front of him. Sorry."

My eyes widened as I gazed accusingly at my companion, "How could you?! You didn't even think about how I would feel!"

"Neither do you when you grope us!" She snapped harshly. With quick strides she caught up to Sango and the Lady.

I contemplated the miko's words as we entered the housing area. I found I couldn't disagree with the time traveler – I didn't think I just acted. I never realized how bad it would feel to be groped I myself have never been a victim of a groping (sure sexual harassment, molestation and what no) but with this curse - it would only be a matter of time. I shuddered at that thought I wish I hadn't been such an asshole before. I really should apologize to the girls and thank them for putting up with me for such a long time. When I get my body back of course.

With that resolved I walked steadily on with Inuyasha beside me and Shippo on my shoulder. I shoved the foreboding I felt to the back of my head knowing that everything would be okay.

Little did I know of the plight I'd fall into.

*

The nighttime air was cool and soft as it blew caressing my dry skin. The roof was a nice place to be when you wanted to just sit and think, that was where I was at the moment. It was the only place I felt was safe at the moment. The others were sleeping; Kagome and Shippo were cuddled up in the same bed unbeknownst to either Inuyasha was there as well watching over them like a dragon would his treasure. On my way out I couldn't help but watch as my dear Sango slept peacefully with Kirara snuggled up in her arms and I know this sounds stupid but I hated Kirara at that moment, because the fire cat was being held by Sango and . . . . . I wasn't.

With a sigh I flipped my hood back on when it fell then turned my head up the sky to gaze at the blank black sky littered with glittery bits and pieces. "I wish I could tell you how I feel." I whispered sullenly. 

"Love problems?" A masculine voice murmured in curiosity. 

I jumped and whipped around, careful to keep the hood on, to see a black haired man with soft black eyes on a handsome face and well toned muscles standing nonchalantly on the highest part of the roof top. He wore a brown hakama and was shirtless . . . . . Hopefully he isn't trying to seduce me. "Uh . . . hi?" I said uncertainly.

He chuckled and ran a hand through his unruly hair. "Hello Lady . . . . . ?"

"Miroku." I paused to think this scene seemed very familiar to me.

He smiled charmingly. "Ah yes. Hello Lady Miroku how fare ye?"

Something familiar . . . something. "I'm okay. How do you fare good sir?"

The man's smile widened then approached casually raising an arm to take my hand and place a chaste kiss upon the palm of my hand. "Very well . . ." He licked my palm slowly. "Call me Goshi."

I shuddered. **_NOT_** from pleasure but from disgust. Obviously the man thought I had quivered from the former cause because he started pushing my sleeve up and placing kisses on the exposed skin. Then it clicked. This was familiar because this was similar to one of MY moves! Damnation! 

With the speed that would put Sesshomaru to shame I withdrew my hand and wiped it against the sweater I currently wore. "Uh . . . I'm sleepy . . . gotta go! Good night Goshi." I said quickly bowing. I made a dash for the bottom of the roof so I could jump off but he apparently grabbed me by the hood and pulled me towards him so that I was facing him.

My hood. That thin piece of cloth that separated me from hell. Broke off. 

Aw hell! I knew I should've brought my shakujo! 

__

*rub* *rub*

"EEEEEEK!"

**__**

*SLAP!!!!*

"Kagonigoshi!" A feminine voice cried.

"Mitsu!" Goshi cried still clinging to my posterior. "She's cast a spell on me my love! I can not control myself!" He cried passionately.

I just stared at him. That two faced ass.

"YOU!" My attention was once again drawn to the Lady. "YOU! YOU AREN'T A MIKO! YOU'RE . . . . . A WITCH!" She cried dramatically.

¬_¬ Riiiiiiight.

"Yes my love she is! Please help me! I cannot stop me!"

Τ_Τ Idiots.

*

There are really nice people in this world. Kind, reassuring understanding people that really take time to get you know you. These people just know instinctively that there is an explanation behind everything and tried their damned hardest to understand and sympathize. These were the people that were friendly, that wouldn't judge immediately that knew that there were stories behind first impressions. These people were really rare gemstones. A diamond in the rough as Kagome would say.

The Lady was not one of them.

Which was why I was now bound, gagged, hooded and being taken to some godsforsaken place with literally little less than a name and my bare clothing – which was not much. No shakujo, no ofudas, no nothing. Damn it all! I was suddenly tossed into the air then thrown back down by the force of gravity onto the rough wooden floor of what I assumed was a cart. What else could it be? I had to get out of here but my hands were bound up high above my head by heavy chains the same with my ankles and waist. Damn. Now what the hell am I supposed to do? Hours passed, but then again I was disoriented and breathing stagnant air inside a bag so I couldn't tell for sure how much time passed.

Then the cart stopped. I heard someone muttering then get onto the cart. The person undid my chains then threw me over his shoulder (I'm assuming whoever is a man because women generally didn't haul strange people around) then he carried me somewhere. I kicked at him and started struggling like a madman all of the sudden a heavy something struck me on the head.

The world went black.

*

When I awoke I didn't feel like a happy camper. My hood was still on obscuring my view of anything and I was still gagged and tied up. I felt very groggy and I was pretty sure that I had a large lumpy bruise on the back of my head. I struggled at my bonds renewed of energy, and then I realized it would be futile to struggle seeing as I was still slightly disoriented. I stilled my shoulders dropped in defeat. The bag was black – I'm pretty sure it was, it would explain why there wasn't even the slightest bit of light streaming through. Then I heard voices, I concentrated hard to hear what was being said.

"We will give you this much for the wench." A female I vaguely registered.

"What?! That is robbery!" Another female. 

"Take it or leave it! The wench is just plain looking – hardly worth anything. That and there is a lump on her head. A clear sign of man handling. You're very lucky that I even considered buying the wench off of you."

"But she is obviously a foreigner telling by her clothing! Surely that will atone for much!"

"Pah! Foreigner? She may wear strange clothing but she is obviously from here! Now do you want the money or will you take back the bitch?!"

A grunt. "Fine." Footsteps. A shoji screen door closing. 

I shook my head trying vainly to clear it of the drowsiness I felt at the moment. "Ah!? What am I doing here?!" A muffled voice cried.

I started in surprise. Myouga! After finding the little pervert earlier I had stowed away the flea in a small pouch which I hid in the lower double pocket of the sweater I currently wore. Why? So I could squish him later. "Myouga! Are you still inside the pouch?" I asked urgently.

"Miroku is that you? Why does your voice sound so feminine? Are you sick? Why am I in this pouch?"

"Yes. I was cursed and turned into a woman. I'm still slightly disoriented so I guess. And I put you into that pouch for your own safety. Can you get out?"

"I am out." I felt a tiny prickling on my knee.

"Are you sucking on me!?"

"Oooh. Heh heh. Sorry about that." The prickling stopped.

"Look. Myouga, I don't have much time. Get Inuyasha and the others quickly! Now! Go! This is urgent!"

"Yes! I will get them immediately." I heard tiny hopping sounds then all was quiet.

"**_TANPOPO_**!!! Get your lazy ass over here **NOW**!" A voice thundered loudly. It was the same voice I heard that was bargaining for me.

"I'm coming! I'm coming!" A quieter voice called back.

I heard the shoji screen slide open, then my hood was taken off. My eyes were drawn fist off to a very short disgruntled woman with a hooked nose, black beady eyes, neat gray hair pulled tightly into a bun and deep numerous wrinkles that would rival Kaede's and Toutosai's combined. The woman wore a scowl that looked as if it was fixated there. She had a plain white kimono on with a black obi tied around her waist. Next to her however was a blackish-blue haired young girl with constantly changing eyes that was currently the colour of a sunset and light tanned skin. She had a small smile on her face and the soft features of a flower, she was very pretty (Though not as beauteous as mine Sango! n_n). She wore a light blue kimono with sakura blossoms splashed on it and a white obi.

"Tanpopo. Get her ready for tonight." The short woman snarled before walking away.

I watched the woman walk away swallowing the childish impulse to stick my tongue at her retreating back. I noticed though that Tanpopo didn't have the same inhibitions about acting upon her impulses as she was doing the very thing I stopped myself from indulging in.

Then she turned back to me and titled her head to the side. "Are you a virgin?"

"Yes!" I replied slightly offended by that question. And it was true. Contrary to popular belief I don't go around sleeping with random females – and even more contrary is the fact that I am still indeed a virgin . . . . **_DON'T YOU DARE TELL ANYONE!!!_**

She nodded absently, "Good good. All the better, demons greatly prefer to sate themselves with virgins."

0_0 Oh fuck in bucket . . . 


	7. Gonna die!

Yes. I did change the title of this story and the summary slightly. For personal reasons . . . . . if you wanna know then you won't, 'cause I'm not telling! Nyah! =P

Last chapter when Miroku was kidnapped he was gagged but only seconds later he could speak again but I didn't type up the fact that he was ungagged. I forgot about it though when I was typing up the chapter, so lets just say a magical pixie from the future named Inumaru untied the gag then suddenly disappeared back into the future. Okay? Good! That and the fact that the old woman from the last chapter is indeed a demon.

I'm sorry for not updating sooner. _sheepish grin_ I discovered Teen Titans fanfiction and got hooked. Heh.

You're gonna hate me by the end of this chapter.

¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸

Miroku looked at his dressed reflection with a scowl.

Make up.

Flowers.

Pink.

At the moment the monk Miroku was dressed in a silky light pink kimono decorated with soft silver snowflakes outlined in gold. The hems were edged with fine white lace with silver thread interlaced through the soft material. His hair was pulled into a up tightly into a bun on top of her hair with some jewelry and soft flowers interwoven through the fine tendrils of her raven coloured locks. It was uncomfortable, it was weird, but he had to admit. He looked damn hot!

"Grow! Grow! Oh that's it! You can unfurl my beauties!"

Miroku swiveled his eyes toward his boss of sorts. Tanpopo's small frame was crouched over a small pot containing some green ferns and was cajoling them grow. Sad world. "You've been coaxing them to grow for three hours now . . . ."

The ocelot hanyou turned to him and smiled. "But these plants need my love and attention!" She said somberly. "They're just so lonely." With that the wild cat turned back to the ferns murmuring sweet nothings.

The monk woman blinked then slowly turned away to stare out the window as if nothing happened.

Sad world.

¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸

Sango fingered the strap of her gigantic boomerang apprehensively. When aroused from their sleep that morning the lady of the house had announced that Miroku had gone ahead of them toward a town near the Dark Mountains . . . . . with a pretty young girl as a guide. It was typical of the monk; it didn't surprise her in the least and the stupid monk was probably somewhere off there having a good time with a bunch of whores. Right? Well . . . yes . . . except for the teensy weensy little fact that his shakujo was found abandoned a mile from where they spent the night . . . . . That and the fact that Miroku would probably have a hard time persuading a woman to bed him in his current form.

"Ergh . . . I can't smell the bastard anywhere!" Inuyasha growled as he crouched low to the ground sniffing. "Nothing. There is absolutely nothing here that gives away which way he went!" He glared at the fork in the road with vehemence.

"I guess we'll just have to split up." Kagome said with a sigh.

"Hmph. Fine." Inuyasha grunted then turned to the taijiya. "Sango. You and Kirara go to the left. Kagome and I'll take the right. If you find the idiot then just come look for us. If we don't find him in one week we assume he's either dead or dead then we regroup here and continue the search for the shards."

Sango nodded. "Right. Don't think anything of it if I bring back a maimed monk or his fresh corpse by the by." She said hefting her large primary weapon over her shoulder

Inuyasha cracked his knuckles and grinned. "Same here."

¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸

"Chi!" Mizu cried when she spotted her earth sister striding purposefully down the hall. "Chi! Wait! I need to speak with you!"

Chi spun around then crossed her arms. "Speak now or forever hold your peace." She said icily.

Mizu cringed at the harshness in her sister's voice. "Chi . . . I'm scared. What . . . What would happen if Hi and I turned mortal? Would . . . would there be someone to replace us in our station?"

A sigh. "No Mizu. No one would replace you. No one can. We – the elementals - were born on the breath of the creation. We six are the only ones whom can take charge and control the elements that were assigned to us at our conception."

"But a world – let alone the universe – can't survive without fire or water. Especially not water."

"Precisely." Chi said then promptly turned around and glided through a wall.

Mizu blinked. "What do you mean? What'll happen? Chi!" She cried. She tried to follow her sister through the wall but when she got there the wall was gone. "CHI!"

"Will you shut up?!" A voice growled.

"Kuragari!" Mizu gasped. The water maiden spun around to face her sister of darkness.

As usual Kuragari wore white making her black skin stand out even more against her the backdrop of the light blue sky. The sister stood regally looking down upon her sister with a heated gaze full of ire and yet at the same time she said sadly. "Everytime. Water and fire would always cause our downfall." Kuragari stepped closer to her sibling with practiced grace. "I am the oldest you are the youngest. I am Darkness. Light was created almost simultaneously with me but a span of one hundred years separates us. Fire came immediately after Light. Then came Air. Then from Air came Earth and formed on Earth was Water. Darkness remembers everything because Darkness is nothing yet everything at once. You may or may not believe this but we have lived several lifetimes."

"Wha . . . . . what?!"

Darkness held out her hand and a ball of black appeared to hover over the appendage in a swirling cloudy mass. "All the planets, starts and everything came from Nothing. The Elements are Nothing's daughters. We are Nothing's daughter. Each lifetime we've lived Fire and Water together would both become mortal, chaos would consume us all and the universe would retreat back into Nothing's arms." The black ball of swirling darkness slowly dispersed into air. "And the cycle would begin anew. But always. Always. Darkness remembers each lifetime the Elements have lived. For Darkness is nothing yet everything at once."

Mizu gaped. "You mean . . . we will die?"

Kuragari closed her eyes then turned away. "Each lifetime you screw up I say the same thing to you. The same explanation. And always you ask the same question. And always my answer is: 'You must decide. For only you can decide to end the cycle that begins with Fire and Water and ends with Water's mistake. Think wisely. Hi, Chi, Hikari, Kuuki, and I can not help you in your decision. " She said quietly. Then drifted off without looking back, but before she disappeared she stopped and added. "Please chose rightly. I do not wish to retreat once more into Nothing's embrace."

¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸

The sun started to set over the horizon. Sensible people. Smart people. Would go back into their homes, lock their doors and pray desperately to the god-on-prayer-duty that they won't get killed in their sleep by demon worms that randomly crawl into people's brains and eat them. Oh such a simple life. Those simple folk.

Damn how he wished he was one of them. Thought the monk Miroku as he was, quite scrupulously, hanging around. He sighed. How he hated his life. If only Mushin hadn't have been such a pervert! Then he, the poor misguided monk-in-training, wouldn't've been placed in this . . . . . obscene position. Literally.

For Miroku's hands and feet were shackled in chains of iron with the inside cushioned so as not to hurt the captive. His limbs were pulled so that he stood in a spread eagle fashion however he could still move albeit a bit stiffly but he could still move nonetheless. And move the monk did – well not move exactly, more like thrash about like a mad woman, eyes dilated, and sweating – no no no – '_glistening'_ as if he were standing in the middle of a desert. (Note: Women do not sweat. They _'glisten'_.)

"You can't just leave me like this!" He protested.

Tanpopo looked up at him from where she was petting a daisy flower and blinked. "Sorry . . . . . what was your name? You never told me."

"Mir – a . . . ."

"Mira. I'm sorry Mira. Were it up to me I wouldn't've set up a hole like this in the first place, but that can't be helped. The old crone runs this joint even thought I am the 'owner' of this establishment. I'm not allowed to take ownership until I've found a mate – which I haven't because the crone forbids me to have contact with any males unless they are in this tavern."

"Well if you don't want to run this place then maybe we can both – "

"Nope. Tried. Multiple times. Got caught. Was severely punished. Don't wish to repeat it." Tanpopo murmured. She got up and sighed. "Well. Time to open for tonight soon." She turned around and walked off. As she neared the door she turned and said. "I better explain this to you since you're new and all. Because of the fact you're a virgin we're gonna auction you off to the highest bidder. Afterwards your er . . . virginitywillbetakenfromyoubyforceinfrontofanaudience. Ja!" With that said she then took off.

Miroku blinked then replayed what Tanpopo said in slow motion, his eyes widened in fear. "WHAT??!!"

¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸

Sesshomaru walked impassively towards a seedy looking tavern with concealed disgust. Why the Eastern Lord's son would ask to meet him at such a . . . a . . .squalid . . . . location was beyond the Western Lord's comprehension. Yet he agreed, nonetheless, to converge upon the location but only out of courtesy.

The inu youkai was greeted at the entrance of the establishment by an elderly wrinkled old bat youkai. "Good evening kind sir." Sesshomaru ignored her and walked in.

To his doom.

Molten gold eyes swept around the establishment with ill-concealed distaste. Everywhere there were demon males sating themselves with females of either species (Sesshomaru: -_thinking-_ Why the hell don't they just get a room?!), the disgusting smell of sake and drunken idiots whom were being robbed of their money as they slurred about obscure subjects. The Western Demon Lord's eyes swept around once more before colliding with cobalt blue eyes. Without a word the demon strode over with quick precise steps towards a darkened corner of the tavern towards the Eastern Lord's son, Kouga.

"So kind of you to join me." Kouga said pouring some sake for Sesshomaru as the said demon lord took a seat across from him.

"What do you want?" Though phrased like a question – it was still a demand.

"An alliance. My father would have come of his own accord to do this but his . . . . mind isn't there."

Sesshomaru raised and elegant eyebrow.

Kouga took a sip of his sake before saying. "My . . . my . . . mother just died. But father went into denial. He still behaves as if she's alive even carries on conversations with her as if she were still here . . . . ." The wolf demon said sadly with a dazed look.

"About an alliance?"

"Oh yes! My apologies. As you should know there is going to be a war between the North and the South soon. It would not be beneficial for any of us to have one so I propose that the East and the West make an alliance. If we do join ourselves the North and South would never be able to fight because our lands joined would create a sort of boundary line between the North and South."

"And how does this benefit me?"

"You would not be forced to ally with either the North or South when they both come running to you. You won't anger either of them if your refuse to ally with either and have them start warring with you. Not that I'm saying that you wouldn't be able to handle both forces at once but it would just be plain bothersome to have them tearing up your property and having your men slaughtered senselessly."

"Interesting. And alliance between us would benefit you more than it would me seeing as they would attack you because of your weaker defenses." Sesshomaru stated stoically.

"You have a point but – "

"GENTLEMEN!!! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!!!" A booming female voice announced. All noise ceased in that tavern ceased.

Kouga leaned to the side to see behind Sesshomaru just as the said demon lord turned his head to look impassively up at a hanyou female standing up on a box beside a wall concealed by a curtain.

"Okay! The bidding for the virgin will begin now. Now remember . . ."

Sesshomaru swiftly turned to meet the eyes of wolf demon. "Why exactly did chose here to discuss this issue?" He asked in a barely discernable voice.

Kouga took a piece of paper, a quill and an inkwell. The wolf demon was prepared for this. After all, what idiot would dare speak in a room full of silent demons? He dipped his pen in the ink then scribbled: _'It's crowded, loud and who would expect that two demon lords would be discussing something like what we did here? So what is your answer?'_ He passed it to Sesshomaru.

The silver haired dog demon read it then took Kouga's quill scribbled down his answer then passed it to the wolf demon. He wouldn't show it but Sesshomaru was impressed by the wolf demon's thinking.

" . . . so let the bidding begin!" The hanyou girl stated before pulling aside the curtain.

Then chaos ensued.

¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸

Kirara mewed. Sango looked down at her furry companion. "Did you find something?" She asked.

The fire cat mewed once more before bounding off ahead of her master. Sango followed. A few minutes later the Kirara stopped then pointed at something on the ground with her muzzle. The taijiya knelt and gasped. "Myouga?"

¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸

Kouga's eyes bled red as he jumped onto the table and nimbly leapt over the Western Taiyoukai's head screaming out a price in a savage voice.

Sesshomaru blinked his cold mask fading into a look of complete shock for a minute before reverting back into its neutral expression. What in hellfire was wrong with that wolf? The demon lord turned around . . .

Miroku very very frightened. All the once placid - albeit horny - males within the tavern were suddenly shouting out various prices. What was even more frightening was the fact that the only thing protecting him from being a seriously (and litterally) screwed over was a thin barrier of magic that was placed no more than one and a half feet around from him. But what he found the most supremely frightening (and possibly traumatizing) was the fact that Sesshomaru AND Kouga were both at the front growling out large sums of money while eyeing him like a piece of raw, bloody, yet very tasty piece of meat.

At that moment the only real coherent thought the former monk was thinking was. _'I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.'_

"HIRAIKOTSU!!!" A voice shouted. The screams of dying demons filled the air.

_'I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!'_

Suddenly Sesshomaru rammed through the thin barrier that surrounded the human male-female, broke off his chains, threw Miroku over his shoulder like a sack then burst out the roof like rocket. (Not that any one from the Sengoku Jidai period would know what one was -.-'')

_'I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!'_

A feline roar filled the air. Kirara came charging out through the roof with Sango in tow trailing behind the Western Lord who was flying hard and fast. Sango hefted her boomerang, jumped up then threw the projectile with a fierce war cry. "HIRAIKOTSU!!!" She yelled.

_'Oh shit! I'm really really really gonna die!'_

Sesshomaru dodged it then landed in a small meadow. He set the Miroku down carefully before crushing his lips against his.

_'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I WANT TO DIE!!! I WANT TO DIE!!!'_

"REOW!!!" Kirara roared pouncing on the demon lord with ferocity. Miroku stumbled back spitting and wiping at his mouth vehemently.

"Miroku!" Sango cried. She ran up to the bewildered man-woman and knelt down beside him. "Are you all right?" She asked in concern.

He nodded too stunned to reply or notice her sudden change of heart. His mind was just too bloody stunned; after all he was chained, bartered, saved and sexually harassed all in what felt like the span of five seconds. Well that wasn't the only thing that stunned him . . . for one wild scary moment when Sesshomaru kissed him he . . . enjoyed it. Dear Kami . . .

"Good. Now run!" She said pushing him towards the forest.

Without a thought he ran. His mind was too numb to register anything at the moment. Too numb to notice all the flying poisonous insects hovering around him, too numb to notice the miasma hovering around the area, too numb to notice the solitary figure standing in his path. He didn't notice anything at all until he bumped into something white, and furry. Miroku stiffened, he took a big gulp then raised his head.

Naraku.

¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸

Hate me yet?

By the way. This is NOT going to be a Sesshomaru/Miroku fic. I don't have a problem with yaoi but these two just don't Reviews: 

**Dark lil Hiei**: Yeah I know Sango is being a real bitch in this fic and she's OOC but I started this fic before I watched the episode in which Sango came in so I had to guess at her personality a bit. =P My guess was a bit far . . . but close enough. ''

**Sesshomaru's Goddess**: Hhmm . . . that could actually make sense . . .

**silentmiko242**: _Shakujo_ – A staff given to monks of the Shinto religion. Shinto and Buddhism are two different religions but both teachings are intertwined, sorta, in Japanese society.

_Reviews: _

**Amreld**: A teacher once spelled my name Amthyst. Yes Amethyst IS my real name. Lol my fic isn't _that _important _sheepish grin_

**Queen Klu**: I updated! =D

Thanks a bunchies for everyone else who reviewed. I love you all in a non-loving platonic loving way! Ja. I'm updating _'Somebody shoot me!!'_ next.


	8. Kiss me!

Naraku. 

How I loathe him. How I hate him. As a child I swore revenge on that bastard for taking away my papa when I just barely knew him as I imagine my papa also swore vengeance on the bastard when his papa was also taken from him. I vowed to avenge my family, I vowed to avenge the people who were wronged by the bastard!

So . . . . . how was I supposed to do that when my hands and ankles were shackled to his room's wall whilst my sworn enemy watched me from his position on the floor with (what I could only describe as) a dreamy, lovey-dovey look. I don't think he even blinked ONCE. (On as small side note: I can move about two feet before the chains go taut.)

I can't believe it!!! THIS was how he treated the people he was in LOVE with?! BY _SHACKLING_ THEM IN CHAINS TO HIS _**DUNGEON** **WALL**_!!!??? What the fudge is _wrong_ with the guy!!?? Scratch that there are LOTS of things wrong with him!

"I love you." He sighed dreamily.

Well I don't thank you very much!!

A desolate sigh. "But I sense that my feelings are not reciprocated."

Well isn't he smart?! Note the sarcasm.

"Which is why I chained you."

¬¬ And he thinks this will change my mind how?

"So that you will never leave my side."

This guy needs some mental help.

"So I apologize for any inconveniences you are experiencing. "

Apologize?! He chains me to a fucking wall and all he can say is '_So I apologize for any inconveniences you are experiencing_.'!?!?!?!?! What the f-

"Is there anything I can do to please you?"

. . . . . Now where do I begin?

"Sango's brother . . . Kohaku . . . free him." I said after a short while.

Naraku nodded without hesitation. "Of course my love." He snapped his fingers. "Kohaku. Come here."

From the shadows a diminutive young boy stepped out with unseeing eyes. He walked over towards his dark master and bowed. "Yes Master." He said monotonously.

Without looking at the young boy he instructed. "Go and find the miko, Kagome. Do not attack her. Ask her to purify the shard in your back so that you will no longer be under my influence."

"Yes master."

"Wait!" I called. "Don't forget to say that Miroku told Naraku to tell you to do it!"

Naraku nodded in acquiesce. "Yes. That too. Now go Kohaku."

The underling bowed before leaving the room. Naraku stared at me dreamily once more. You know when you think about it really Naraku is pretty hot – NO!!! EVIL THOUGHT OF **DOOM**!!! BAD MIRO!!!! BAD!!!!! BAD!!!!!

"Wind Tunnel in my right. Take it out." I growled through gritted teeth.

The hanyou then stood and walked slowly in a hypnotic fashion, his long muscular legs – GRAH!!!!! **_BADBADBADBADBADBADBADBADBADBAD_**!!!! -

Naraku unchained my right wrist gently and cradled the appendage to his chest. He unwrapped the wrappings surrounding my hand but still kept some cloth over the hole, then to my complete fascination – I mean repugnance!!! Yes repugnance. Err . . Then to my complete **_REPUGNANCE_** he lifted the cloth and quickly _licked_ my palm. It felt nice too . . .

GLEH!!!! Must. Not. Think. About. Naraku's. Sexual. Prowess! ARGH!!!! I just thought about it!!!! ;-; Dammit!

"It is done." He whispered into my palm and sending chills down my spine. "Your curse is no more."

I hesitated before tugging my hand away from his grasp then held it in front of my face in wonder. My eyes were met with unmarred smooth skin, experimentally I flexed my hand. This had to be a dream. I pinched myself then gasped as I felt the pain in my cheek. My lips trembled as tears streamed down my face. The curse was gone.

Vaguely I registered the fact that the hanyou was looking at me in concern and scarily enough I vaguely registered the fact that he was also licking my tears up. At that moment all I really could think about was the fact that I was free! (More or less considering that fact that I was chained up . . . ) I'd been waiting for this my whole entire life! Now I wouldn't end up dying like my papa! I'd have a chance to live down and take things a little more slowly now. I could have children, I could have a wife! (or not) It was at this point that I noticed that my sworn enemy was kissing me. Then I fainted.

¸,øººø,¸¸,øººø,¸¸,øººø,¸

Darkness. Groggily I opened my eyes. Ergh. I felt like hell. Like (as Kagome often says in the morning) roadkill – whatever that is. I didn't know where I was, much less cared. For that one brief moment I forgot everything.

"Awake my lovely?"

Damn. Now I remember.

A hand manifested before my face. Three guess who it belongs too . . . . .

I tried to move my hand. Chlank Shit. I was still chained. "Don't you trust me enough to let me roam chainless . . . ?"

Naraku suddenly materialized before me, with a sexy smile (I'm just gonna give up on denying my attraction. It takes too much energy.) he sat down in front of me. "No." he said plainly.

I blinked. "You love me yet you don't trust me?"

He nodded his head.

"So how do you expect me to love you in return if you don't trust me!?"

A shrug. "You love me first THEN I'll trust you."

I opened my mouth, then snapped it shut. How can you argue against THAT kind of logic?! It makes sense ne?

"I take it that you agree with me?"

"Yes . . . I suppose I must." I responded with a desolate sigh. Suddenly, unexpectedly my chains flew off, experimentally I rubbed my arms before I was flipped onto my back on a futon . . . . that wasn't there two seconds ago. . . . Then I felt it. His hands were rubbing my back. Massaging. Relaxing. NO! Must. Resist. Temptation. . . . . Especially. When. No. One. Is. Looking! No! Resistance . . . fading . . . falling . . . under . . . massage . . . NO! I. MUST. RESIST.

Naraku tsked as he continued kneading my back. "You have to relax darling." He whispered close to my ear. "There is no use giving you a rub down if you don't relax."

Well that did it for me. My bones melted, and I think my brain did along with 'em . . . .

¸,øººø,¸¸,øººø,¸¸,øººø,¸

I didn't ask for the shikon shards.

I can NOT believe I forgot ask for those good-for-nothing shards! There I was. Naraku willing to rip out his own heart for me (literally) and I. Forgot. To. Get. The. Shards. --'''

(Just a quick note for all you hentai (like me) out there. NOTHING happened between my despised enemy and I. I fell asleep after a while truth be told . . . " It was just soooo soothing and relaxing and – oops! Ahem. Gettting back on track. This would be . . . about . . . day two of my imprisonment.)

When I had awoken from my slumber Naraku had already up and gone. In his place was a drool-worthy meal of succulent lobster, juicy crab meat, a bowl of rice, a bowl of sliced fruit, sweet mango juice, thick shreds of some type of really tasty meat (nice and chewy!), vegetables in some sauce and lots of sushi! It was all so good! I almost cried from the pure deliciousness of it! sigh

After that I was pretty much stuck in the dark room I was placed in. Four walls. A shoji screen to my right, window to my left and directly in front of me . . . . . a wall. Awww . . . no flowers? ( Sarcasm)

Sighing I stood and started pacing. I didn't even try to open the use the shoji screen I knew he would've enchanted it to keep me in, the window wouldn't do either – I know Naraku better than that. I had to escape in an unpredictable way . . . some way SO sneaky he'd NEVER expect it! But what? Hhhhmmm . . . .

Then I spotted it. The floorboards . . . . .

¸,øººø,¸¸,øººø,¸¸,øººø,¸

It took about twenty minutes (more or less) to pry apart the floorboards before I saw dirt below me. Luckily there was enough of a gap between the ground and the wooden floor for me to be able to crawl through, so I jumped down then with careful precision I replaced the floorboards and started crawling. Escape was gonna be as easy and pissing off Inuyasha . . . .

Two hours later and five rats later . . . . .

Oh hell! I've been crawling around for kami-only-knows how long and I STILL haven't found any openings! That's it! I'm just gonna have to break into another room.

So with that I started pushing against the floor to find any loose boards. **Bump**. Too hard. **Bump**. Too heavy.** Bump**. Too rough. **Bump**. Ouch! Splinters.** Bump**. **Chnk**. **Thunk**. Loose boards! With a sigh of gratitude I lifted the boards and climbed out with a grin. Enthusiastically looking around I found that I was . . . . . in the same room I tried to escape from . . . . .

Aw hell no!

"You know if you wanted to leave you could've gone out the regular way." I masculine voice drawled from behind me.

I really (x100) wish I had been alone when I resurfaced. Slowly I turned towards Naraku with an annoyed look adorning my visage. "How long have you been here?" I asked in annoyance.

Naraku smirked as he leaned back against the wall from where he sat crossed legged. "Oh long enough to see how you fared with that big black rat."

I winced. That episode was NOT pretty. While crawling around a gigantic sized rat jumped out of nowhere and started to attack me, I fended for myself just fine until it wriggled down my robes. "Help would've been nice." I grumbled through gritted teeth.

He shrugged. "Now where is the fun in that my sweet little flower." He purred as he grabbed my hand an pulled me into his lap.

I glared at him half-heartedly. Why did he have to be so drop dead gorgeous? No dammit! Focus! "I thought you loved me." I said in what I hoped was a dry voice.

The spider hanyou just grinned devilishly. Slowly he brought his face closer until we were only centimeters apart. Damn. He was gonna kiss me and there was nothing I could do about it. Or was it that I didn't want to do anything about it? Closer. Closer. Suddenly the door exploded sending me and Naraku slamming into a wall. Groggily I looked up to see that someone was standing there. Someone who looked awfully like . . . . . Kouga?

¸,øººø,¸¸,øººø,¸¸,øººø,¸ 

Sorry about spelling mistakes.


End file.
